I can say with absolute certainty that being sexually assaulted in a foreign country is different than being sexually assaulted in America. As I sit in this plane at 10,000 feet in the air and on my way back to Malawi, I can’t help but reflect on the past three weeks. Honestly, the past five months have been an emotional rollercoaster and there’s a constant question ringing in my ears: Why am I doing this to myself?

I’ve been sexually assaulted three times in Malawi. I am not physically hurt. I’m ok. It could have been worse. However, that doesn’t really make me feel better to say that. The first time that it happened, I was angry, then sad, panicked, embarrassed, frustrated. The barrage of emotions was unpredictable and I was frustrated mostly with myself because of my reactions to this happening. Working through it took a lot of time and effort and discomfort but I was really feeling like I had a handle on it and I was starting to feel comfortable by myself again. Then incident two and three happened simultaneously on the same day and within minutes of each other and I just broke.

I knew that working in a third world country was risky in many ways. I did everything I could to prepare myself for the possibility of this happening, among other things. It’s just that… can you really prepare for this? Is there any way to know EXACTLY how you’re going to react to this happening.

No.

There isn’t.

There is no way to know how something like this will affect you. And, for me, my reactions were the scariest part. The emotions come in waves. It sucks.

Peace Corps Malawi has been BEYOND supportive through all of this. They are incredible and I could not ask for better people to work with. I still love Malawi. Obviously. I’m going back. Right now.

I’ve gotten the same reaction from everyone: “Why are you going back?”

Well, I’m going back because I’m not finished. I’m going back because I have a job to do. I’m going back because there are people depending on me. Because I worked my ass off to get to Malawi in the first place. Because PST was hard and I don’t want to ever have to go through it again. Because I love my friends and colleagues. Because I miss my home and my dog and my cat and my students and my host family.

Mostly, I miss Malawi.

Getting on the plane to go back there was incredibly difficult and leaving my nieces for the second time is breaking my heart. The tears keep coming and holding them back only makes it worse. But, I have to do this. I have to go home.

Living in Malawi isn’t easy. If this job was easy then everyone would do it.

I bought a necklace yesterday that has a fortune cookie hanging from a gold chain and the paper it came on said “good fortune follows the brave.” So, today, I’m choosing to be brave and hoping that good fortune follows suit.

Peace out, CA.

Malawi, I’m comin’ for ya.

Real Talk: I’ve been having a really tough time at my new site. I came here with high expectations. My fault. I expected everyone to want to listen to me and hear my ideas and respect my opinions and that just hasn’t happened. 

I’ve been having a difficult time getting through to the men in my community. Honestly, culture runs DEEP. I keep forgetting to celebrate small victories. I keep forgetting that I can’t change everyone and the ones that do want to change may take a while longer than I want them to. 

I’ve been homesick and sad and have, on occasion, wondered if it would be easier to just go home. 

HOWEVER, those musings only last for a few minutes because I know I am here for many reasons. I am strong and capable. I am making awesome friends and every day my students try a little bit harder to know me and let me in. Most of the male teachers are trying to understand me and hear me when I speak and voice my many frustrations. 

So, for a few weeks, I tried everything that I could to rejuvenate and get back to my happy and positive self. I ran every day. I wrote in my journal. I called my mom. I called my nieces. I ate food from America. Every tool in my toolbox that I could think of and nothing was working. 

Finally, I sent a text to my boss and asked him if I could take a day to go and visit my Malawi family in Njombwa. I just wanted to see my Amayi. My boss said I could go. 

I traveled yesterday with two of my students. We took two minibuses and walked 30-45 minutes in very hot weather and it was EXACTLY what I needed. Seeing my Amayi and my family and all of the people that I grew so close to in Njombwa rejuvenated me and really reminded me about all of the things I love in Malawi. It brought me back to the good. It brought me back home. 

One of the first men that I saw as I was walking into the village said, “welcome back to your home.” My cheeks hurt from smiling so big and laughing all day. I fell in love with Njombwa and all of the people there for the first three months in this country. I left my heart in Njombwa when I left one and a half months ago. I am so looking forward to visiting Njombwa often throughout the next two years because I know that that will always be the place that will remind me of why I love Malawi the most. 

My heart is so full. 

It isn’t all sunshine and roses. I knew that from the day that I applied. My goal in starting this blog was to give an honest account of my time here in Malawi. Don’t get me wrong, Malawi is incredible and I love it here 90% of the time. But, some days are really difficult. Some weeks are definitely more of a struggle than I would like them to be. 

I’m currently in “site integration period” and that means that I am not supposed to leave my new community for three months. This is so that each volunteer can build a strong foundation for the two years ahead of them in their community.  Basically, we spent three months surrounded by like-minded individuals and now we get to spend these next three months surrounded by the opposite. 

Mind you, almost all of the people I have met in Malawi have been wonderful and kind humans. However, this country is built on a very different culture than the one I grew up in. These cultural differences can be very frustrating to both sides. 

The word “gentle” is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself and I know that, even to Americans, I can be a bit overwhelming in my “passionate” opinions. So, imagine how I may be coming off to Malawian men who are “lucky” enough to work with me every day. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about equality and human rights and all things pertaining to the treatment of individuals no matter who they are. Typically, Malawian women are nothing like me. I’m opinionated, loud, strong, tenacious, and that is a lot different from the ways that women are expected to be in a Malawian village. 

Needless to say, I’m learning a lot. I’m realizing that I may not be able to change every man that I work with. I’m realizing that I need to celebrate my small victories like they are BIG ones. I’m learning to enjoy the few friends that I’ve made and be extremely and whole-heartedly present with them because laughing with them gives me all of the joy I need in order to make it through my day. I’m learning to truly look forward to my student, Moses, knocking on my door EVERY morning at 5:30am and the huge smile on his face when he sees how miserable I look when I open the door because I need my coffee before I adult. I’m learning to enjoy the cold bottle of Coca Cola after my mile walk to my trading center on days when there isn’t a blackout. I’m starting to remember to look up at the sky at night to see the gorgeous stars that shine so brightly here and the sun as it rises and sets each day. 

They told us from day one that this is “the hardest job you’ll ever love” and I am just trying to find the love in everything that I can. 

Mostly, I’m just trying to grow.  Also, Maizey thinks I’m a jungle gym.

At the risk of sounding like a typical Californian… HOLY CRAP IT RAINED!!!! The rain didn’t last long. However, I was in my house and my house has a tin roof and OH. MY. GOSH. 

Let me explain. When I lived in California, I wasn’t a big fan of the rain. My mom LOVES the rain but I could really go without it. I love me some sunshine. Anyway, today in Mphomwa it started raining at around 3:00pm and it started out slow. I thought, “Oh. Ok. Cool. I can handle this. It sounds so pretty on my tin roof.” But NOOOOOOOO. The rain kept getting harder and harder and louder and louder and it was CRAZY!!!!!! I couldn’t hear myself think! 

After it stopped, I went into my backyard and got Kuwala, my dog, and took him outside and across the road to the school. See, I usually take him for a run at 4:00pm so I needed to get him out of the house for some exercise because he is crazy. So, we walked up to the school and found my student/friend, Moses, and asked if he wanted to go for a walk up the mountain with us. Then we went and found my student/friend, Rhoda, and invited her to join as well. While we waited for the two of them to get changed, we ran into my head teacher and I told him about my initial reaction to the rain. I asked him if we teach when it is raining really hard because I wasn’t sure how it was possible for the students and teachers to hear each other when it is raining like that on the roof! He said we do not teach during rains like that. We take a break. 

But, how crazy is it that in this country and I’m sure in many others, they have to, basically, stop their lives because of typical weather conditions? Rainy season is coming up and I am so curious to see how it all works out and how crazy the rain hitting my roof will make me! 

Here are pictures from our walk up to the top of our little mountain. 

It really is the little things in life that are really the biggest things. Like, letters from halfway around the world or pickles in a bag. Or even food that kind of resembles pizza when it is so rare that you ever see cheese. 

I miss home. Someone once told me that the “threes” are the hardest. Three weeks, three months… that those are the worst when it comes to being homesick. Well, they were right! I’m just happy that I remembered that because knowing that made it so much easier to work my way through it. 

A week ago I hung my curtains. This week I pinned all of my pictures and all of the letters and artwork that people have sent to me on one of the walls in my sitting room. I also hung my hammock and cooked a full meal by myself. I gave Kuwala a bath. I hammered nails into my wall to hang my scarves and necklaces on. All of these are such small things that made such a huge difference. 

A few weeks ago I weighed myself and found that I had lost 15lbs even though I really hadn’t noticed. Today I put on the one pair of jeans that I brought to Malawi and they are so loose and I’m just so happy. 

I start teaching on the 18th and I can’t wait to have the students back here. It is so quiet without them. Also, I am looking forward to having a real schedule. My days move very slowly. Actually, life just moves slowly here. Not in a bad way. Just very different from home. 

I have been able to do many more things for myself lately and that is incredibly helpful in terms of how I feel because even just being able to soak my feet for an hour so that I could scrape the dead skin off was so wonderful and felt so incredible. I watched a movie and relaxed and nobody talked to me… except for Kuwala… and I’m ok with that. I am SLOWLY accumulating furniture and feeling more and more at home in this new community. 

It is so difficult being an outsider. Being called “azungu” instead of my name and being given the “azungu” price until they realize that you know the real price and sort of speak their language. Always needing to say “hello” first because if I don’t then I am the rude one. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love it here. The people are wonderful and for the most part I am welcomed with open arms. There are just hurdles and even when those hurdles are expected, it doesn’t make it easier to deal with the hurdles. 

So, I will HAPPILY continue to introduce myself and continue to remind them that I am a volunteer and have no money to hand out. I will HAPPILY continue to try to prove that being here is important to me and their language is important to me and their culture is important to me because all of these things are SO important to me. I will keep reminding myself that I have only been in this community for a couple of weeks and I need to be patient as I try to inttegrate and, hopefully, win them over! 

As they told us at the very beginning: “This is the hardest job you’ll ever love.”

I’m just getting started! 

For the next two years I will be teaching at Mphomwa CDSS. I moved here on Friday the 25th of August. On the 24th, myself and 64 other trainees became Peace Corps Volunteers and swore to uphold the constitution. It was pretty incredible. 

We are coming into hot season. Mphomwa is quieter than Njombwa was and it makes it difficult to sleep at night. I got so used to having all of the noises around me and having my family and neighbors so close. My house is humungous and there are so many bugs. It feels safe even with all of the creepy crawly things. For the next three months I will be staying in my village and trying me best to effectively integrate into this new community. I miss my host family and all of the other now-volunteers. This will definitely take some getting used to. 

On a happier note: my amazing language and cultural facilitator brought my dog to my house on Friday afternoon and so I have the cutest companion. His name is Kuwala and he has already made himself at home in my house and in my heart. 

I’m looking forward to starting my work at the school. I’m waiting for furniture so that I can get my house organized and make it into more of a home. 

Also, I’m getting a cat. (Sorry Mom!)

The cat will kill all of the creepy crawly things and also they are so cute. I hope that the cat will be a fun friend for Kuwala when I have to be at work every day. So, safe to say, this house will be no different than my home that I left back in California. 

I am happy but I am also very homesick. Some days more than others. I know that it will pass but when you’re in the homesick stage of a journey, it’s hard to see the other side where you know you will feel better. Trying to keep busy and meet all of my neighbors. But, wanted to share all of my feelings because the whole point of this blog was to share my journey. Good. Bad. Ugly. 

Speaking of ugly, there are so many cockroaches in my new home. ALL. THE. TIME. Working on getting poison to put around the outside of my house to keep them away. Pray for me? Kuwala isn’t phased by any of this. He’s lucky he’s so cute.